I'm happy to be making this post, as it's been a long time coming. One year ago today I decided to publicly come out to everyone, which I wasn't sure I would ever have the courage to do. I had seen a friend's video (watch here) on coming out as transgender where he was talking about not waiting and it struck a chord with me. I was in a safe environment now and there wasn't a reason to wait any longer. I was never "in the closet" per say. I've always known and it was just a part of me. I didn't even realize that not everyone was bisexual until I was in middle school. I saw couples of both same and different genders so it only made sense to me that everyone must be attracted to all genders the way I was. It wasn't until I was in middle school that I realized it wasn't so. Not everyone was the same as I am and to my surprise, I was considered the outsider.
I was in middle school just as "emo" was becoming popular. Bisexuality was associated with emo culture at this time, so the term grew in popularity. I was in 6th grade the first time I heard the term being used and I was delighted to have a label to easily describe myself to others. The drawback was at this point it was considered "trendy" to be bisexual so people would discredit you right away. I don't miss hearing people debating whether or not someone was actually bisexual at lunch every day. The funny thing is, a decade later every single person I knew who said they were bisexual at this time still are. I guess it wasn't a passing fad after all. People just saw others like them making themselves known and felt comfortable enough to do the same.
I had already decided at this point that I wasn't going to tell my parents until I was much older so they would be more likely to respect it. I was open at school about dating females and eventually word got around. My dad started asking me if I was a lesbian to which I would respond "no" which wasn't a lie. One day he asked me the right question, "do you like girls?" I confirmed and his response wasn't quite what I anticipated, "you're too young to know that. Have you ever had sex with a girl? Then how do you know?" Even then I knew how flawed this logic was. You do not need to have sex with a person to know whether or not you're attracted to them. This was his way of discrediting me so I wouldn't be open about it any longer. He gave me a list of irrational reasons why I couldn't tell anyone. I now know this was purely out of his fear for my safety. His brother was gay and an activist. He saw the horrid injustices done onto him and wanted to keep his child safe from that. He told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone and from then on we didn't acknowledge it. That is, until a year later when a family friend thought she might be interested in me and asked me to kiss her so she could better understand how she was feeling. This is when all hell broke loose. She told her family, who then told my family and resulted in my mother screaming at me during a 4th of July party with friends. I spent the night in my room at home scared and sobbing. This created a domino affect in my life. It was getting around and no one was treating me the same way after. I had been asked to change in the restroom instead of the women's locker room. People felt uncomfortable in my presence and certain people refused to train with me in Judo. Things weren't much better for me at school. There are some things that happened during this time I'm still not comfortable talking about now. This was a rough patch for me but the second I started dating a male it all seemed to fall away. All seemed forgotten and it wasn't mentioned again.
Midway through high school I was once again in a relationship with a female, not hiding it from anyone in my school and mentioning it in passing at home. My parents had known my sexual orientation for years at this point but still ignored it. It remained this sort of unspoken truth among us aside from the occasional instance where I was reminded I wasn't allowed to make it "public." After that relationship ended I was fed up hiding. I wasn't going to just stay silent anymore. I talked about it regularly and wanted to get involved in the community. I started going to seminars and being active in my local LGBTQA+ community much to my father's dismay. He was still scared but knew I wasn't going to hide any longer. I would be at seminars talking about what to do to combat discrimination, yet people would scoff and groan when I said I was bisexual. On numerous occasions I was told "you just haven't accepted yourself yet." I became so uncomfortable I stopped saying I was bisexual while at community events. Bi erasure is a huge issue and leaves bisexuals feeling like they have no support or community. I felt invisible. Then I joined my school's gay straight alliance where that was furthered. Nearly everyone there was an ally. The first question asked was "do you have a girlfriend?" When I told them no they wrote me off. They went back to talking about how much they want a gay best friend and playing "Same Love" from their phones. This sounds like a bad joke but it's become a joke for a reason. When we tried to talk about ways to help those facing discrimination they were completely uninterested. One person even talked over us and said "being an ally people have discriminated against me." The only topic they wanted to discuss was what snack to bring next time and making t shirts. They had good intentions but were woefully misguided and had little interest in changing that. My friend and I left in shock and could only stomach a few more meetings before we gave up.
I had spent my entire life feeling invisible. I have been told countless times that I just haven't come to terms with myself yet, that I'm really just gay and I am wrong. I've had people uninterested in me because they believe bisexuals can't be faithful. I've heard crude jokes about my sexuality said to my face without remorse not only from heterosexuals but also from LGBTQA+ members. I've been told to stay silent, that there's no reason to even talk about human rights anymore because everyone is equal now and that things used to be worse so I should accept things as they are. One year ago to the date I decided I was done with all of this. I was going to stop referring to past partners with gender neutral pronouns and just be open with it because it's who I am. I have never been ashamed but I have been afraid. I felt ready to come out to everyone all at once through a facebook post as it was the easiest and quickest means to do so. The response was largely positive but a few bad seeds that have since been removed from my life.
Although, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, I had no idea how hard it would be for me to be open about this. I found myself hiding it at work and from new people I met. I tried to push myself to just say it if it came up in conversation. I had more than a few run ins with people who were not accepting. I was being called a freak and the environment was becoming toxic for me at work. I reported a number of instances but nothing changed. I dreaded being around certain people knowing some snide remark was to come. Wildly inappropriate things were being said to me every day and I got sick of it. I eventually left and sought to get these people removed from their positions. Some progress has been made but it's still unfolding now. For awhile I shrunk back into myself and became more weary of being openly bisexual. I am still thrilled to be out but simply coming out does not mean you're in the clear. Some people will love and accept you and others won't. Feed off the love. Acknowledge that your safety is the most important thing. I encourage others to come out only if their situation allows it. I'm very lucky to be in a position to be out and not have my safety compromised. I wholeheartedly believe that everyone will get to that point in their lives where they can safely be themselves. It's been a journey that will be ongoing. I will always be coming out to individuals because it's not a one time thing. I hope everyone on this journey will find acceptance and love both from others and for themselves.
I also want to include Rachel Whitehurst's #ByeBiphobia series: watch here
